Bonding time

Back during Christmas, when discussing baby things with my mother, I mentioned not wanting to have visitors until after the baby was a month old. I said this with trepidation, because I halfway expected her to actually want to be in the delivery room when the baby was born. Thankfully, she said she has no interest in that, because otherwise I would have had to shoot her down, which would have started an argument I didn't want to have. The only family member I want in the delivery room is my husband, no exceptions.

Anyway, when I mentioned the one month timeline, she seemed to take it in stride. Unsurprisingly, a few months later, it seems as though her friends and family have talked her into wanting to see the baby sooner than that... like when the baby is just home from the hospital. And honestly, I see her point about not wanting to wait so long, but it did upset me because she doesn't take any of our wishes or views into account and chooses to think that we're only wanting this in order to exclude her and my father. We are not. We want this because it is what we feel is best for our family... me, DH and our new baby.

Why? Well, there are a number of reasons why, and all of them are important to me and DH. The first one being that we want the bonding time without having to share. Are we selfish? Maybe. But this is our first baby after 3.5 years of infertility, so we want what is due to us, and that means keeping others away for a bit so that we can start bonding as a family of 3. And regardless of what my mother thinks, the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is secondary to the bond between the parents and the child, and no, we won't put off our bonding time until after they leave. Yes, she actually said that. I'm not denying that grandparents need a bond, too. But there is no way that anyone can convince me that the grandparent bond takes precedence over the parental bond just because the grandparents live far away and won't see the baby very often.

Second, I want to learn how to breastfeed in peace and privacy. Sure, there'll probably be a random lactation consultant showing me what to do while in the hospital, but other than that, having someone stare at me while I try to figure it out would be uncomfortable. Likewise, I don't want to feel rushed in trying to feed the baby because someone is waiting to hold it after I'm done (which goes back to #1). I'm being realistic when I say that I think it'll take a good 2 weeks to get things going. I know that sometimes the milk doesn't come in in a timely fashion. I know that sometimes the baby has problems latching on. If everything goes quickly and smoothly, score! But, I'm not willing to move up the timeline that much on the off-chance that there won't be any problems.

Third, we want to use the time by ourselves to get used to our new life. No, this doesn't fall under the "bonding" category. It's totally different. Anyway, the first week, DH will be home helping me. And he's pretty wonderful with babies (well, except changing them perhaps), so I have no fear that I will end up doing everything. The second week, he'll be back at work, and I want to start learning how to get on by myself. Will we be perfect at taking care of our baby at first? Of course not. But we're not a complete rookies either. So with this in mind, we know that we want to learn by ourselves and don't want someone over our shoulders, telling us what we're doing is wrong. We realize that grandmothers have years of experience under their belts, and that's wonderful. But it's also wonderful to figure out something on your own, and that's what we want. Yes, we're like 2 year olds again... wanting to do things ourselves!

Fourth, and I know this will come off wrong, but we just don't want to have to host and entertain people right away. In an ideal world, people would drop by for a half hour, hold the baby a little, and then leave. But we live in a world where all our family lives far away, so staying for only a half hour won't cut it. We have no problems entertaining people, but we'd prefer to do it after we've had time to let things settle... and that means waiting for family.

So those are our reasons for not wanting to accept visitors right away. Is a month pushing it a little? Perhaps. So I am thinking of taking it down to 3 weeks... maybe 2. But certainly not before 2 weeks. It's just something we have to talk over, and DH will have to tell me, yet again, to not be bowled over with guilt whenever I talk to family. Because this is OUR family, not theirs.