Friends of Infertiles - Say This

In my last post, I listed some things that someone probably shouldn't say to someone going through infertility. So to perhaps be a little more helpful, I'll share some things that might actually help or comfort.

1. I'm sorry
If you don't know what to say, say this. It covers a lot of bases, and doesn't require further action. We understand that not everyone will want to talk about it. And honestly, we'll be very very very thankful that you didn't tell us we just needed to relax and it would happen!

2. Do you wanna talk about it?
If you're a good listener, this is a good one. A lot of infertile women are frustrated beyond belief and just need to talk to someone. No need to offer advice. Just be there and understand that there may be some tears.

3. Is there anything I can do?
Chances are, there is nothing you can do to help. But it's the thought that counts, and us infertiles appreciate that you are willing to help.

Here are some other things to consider:

1. If you yourself get pregnant, privately tell your infertile friend your news a few days before you let others know. There is nothing worse than finding out your good friend is pregnant when she announces it to a room full of people, and there is little chance for escape. While your infertile friends' heart will still be shattered no matter when you tell her, at least you've given her the privacy to cry as well as the time needed to work through very strong feelings.

2. Don't be upset if she doesn't get all excited when you tell her about your pregnancy. When she hears the news, she'll probably be thinking, "oh great. ANOTHER f*ing woman is pregnant." Chances are she IS very happy for you deep inside though, so give her time to be sad, angry and/or jealous for herself.

3. Understand when she isolates herself. There will be good days and bad days. So when she declines an invitation to dinner or games, it's probably because she needs time alone. Also in this category, is how she deals with your pregnancy. For example, when one of my good friends was pregnant, I was invited to touch her belly to feel the baby moving. My immediate instinct was to decline, so that's what I did. Because I knew that if I felt that movement, I would break down with yearning. It didn't matter if it was a good day or a bad day... I knew what would happen if I did. So I didn't. And my friend understood.

4. Know that the emotions an infertile woman feels when someone close to her gets pregnant are very strong and generally negative. Even if you don't understand why she is upset, know that her feelings and reactions ARE valid and real. So please respect her as a person and don't shame her into thinking she's wrong in being upset. Because it's not wrong to have a negative reaction. It's not right, either. It just is, and no one can change that.