This year is the year. I am determined!
So what is it? Project 52 (P52) is where you make it a point to take at least one picture a week for a whole year, and then scrapbook what you have. It was originally just taking a picture a week, but it morphed into scrapping, too. And P52 is actually an off-shoot of Project 365. Yep. Taking a picture every day for a whole year. P365 is a little (ok, very) ambitious for me. So P52 is perfect, and I just happen to have tons of digital scrapbooking "supplies" just sitting on my external hard drive, waiting to be used.
I did remember it in time to start on the New Year this year, but after a few months, I seemed to run out of inspiration. I mean, I'm at home pretty much all day. There's only so much you can take a picture of before you start getting monotonous, and who wants to see a picture of stuff I clean? So then I thought it'd be fun to take a picture of DH's sandwiches during the week. But he eats the same thing literally every day (he likes it like that), so if that's not monotonous, I don't know what is.
Between now and the New Year, I have to find a theme to take pictures of. Like how our backyard changes every week (sounds fun, doesn't it?). Or which game our group of friends likes to play. I dunno. Something. But I really want to do it, so I'd better get inspired quick like. Just don't be surprised if I alter it down to P12! Hey, then I can make a calendar! I may be on to something there...
December 20, 2011
December 14, 2011
10 years
I suppose I should have written this last month, but honestly, I forgot this pretty big milestone due to the fact that the marriage anniversary trumps this one by a lot.
On November 3rd this year, my DH and I have officially been together for 10 years! And the time has flown by, but it still feels like we've been together forever. A third of my life. Wow.
We met when I was a sophomore in college and he was a junior. I was hanging out (or partying...) with some guys in the dorm at the time (no, not like that) and one night he showed up with one of the guys I'd been hanging out with a little. But since he had a girlfriend, I didn't even look at him with interest. Since he and this other guy are good friends, he was around a lot. And apparently I looked interesting enough that he would go out of his way to talk to me. Pretty soon, they were teaching me how to play 3-handed pinochle, and we became friends.
The next school year came, and after starting out kinda awkwardly (for numerous reasons I won't go into), we picked back up with the friendship. But little by little, it became apparent to me that he was interested in maybe more than friendship. He & his girlfriend had broken up during the previous school year, so I didn't have to worry about that. And I was interested also, and had been for a while, but was still hesitant. One night, he asked me out and I said yes. I don't remember what we did (it was probably a group date), but I do remember thinking that it would probably be a short-lived relationship... we were just too different to last a long time. Or so I thought.
He graduated & I became a senior, and we were going strong. Then I graduated and decided to stay because of him. I moved into his apartment. And while it was rough going there for a while, we got through it. We then moved into a house he bought. Then 5 years after we started dating, he proposed. Honestly, I was long past wondering if it would ever happen, so I was so happy when he did. Of course, I said yes. In April 2008, we got married.
Examining us now, it's become apparent to me that we have lasted this long simply because we are so different. If he were anything like me, it would drive me crazy, and any relationship certainly wouldn't last 5 years, let alone 10. Sure, we do share a lot of ideals & opinions, and that's our common thread. But everything else is just complementary of the other person.
And every day I thank my lucky stars that I have him in my life. I have no idea where I'd be without him. :)
On November 3rd this year, my DH and I have officially been together for 10 years! And the time has flown by, but it still feels like we've been together forever. A third of my life. Wow.
We met when I was a sophomore in college and he was a junior. I was hanging out (or partying...) with some guys in the dorm at the time (no, not like that) and one night he showed up with one of the guys I'd been hanging out with a little. But since he had a girlfriend, I didn't even look at him with interest. Since he and this other guy are good friends, he was around a lot. And apparently I looked interesting enough that he would go out of his way to talk to me. Pretty soon, they were teaching me how to play 3-handed pinochle, and we became friends.
The next school year came, and after starting out kinda awkwardly (for numerous reasons I won't go into), we picked back up with the friendship. But little by little, it became apparent to me that he was interested in maybe more than friendship. He & his girlfriend had broken up during the previous school year, so I didn't have to worry about that. And I was interested also, and had been for a while, but was still hesitant. One night, he asked me out and I said yes. I don't remember what we did (it was probably a group date), but I do remember thinking that it would probably be a short-lived relationship... we were just too different to last a long time. Or so I thought.
He graduated & I became a senior, and we were going strong. Then I graduated and decided to stay because of him. I moved into his apartment. And while it was rough going there for a while, we got through it. We then moved into a house he bought. Then 5 years after we started dating, he proposed. Honestly, I was long past wondering if it would ever happen, so I was so happy when he did. Of course, I said yes. In April 2008, we got married.
Examining us now, it's become apparent to me that we have lasted this long simply because we are so different. If he were anything like me, it would drive me crazy, and any relationship certainly wouldn't last 5 years, let alone 10. Sure, we do share a lot of ideals & opinions, and that's our common thread. But everything else is just complementary of the other person.
And every day I thank my lucky stars that I have him in my life. I have no idea where I'd be without him. :)
December 9, 2011
Our wanna-be crunchy lifestyle
Okay, wanna-be is pushing it a bit, but we talk about it once in a while. DH especially. He goes all out, and it involves doing stuff I don't think I can ever get into.
My idea of being crunchy is having my own garden in which I grow veggies and some fruit. But it wouldn't be organic. DH is all for that, but he takes the garden one step further by making our own compost. Fine. It makes sense to use grass clippings and food trash to feed the earth.
But here's where he goes a little crazy. He wants chickens. And goats. If I asked, he'd probably be all for a cow, and if we ate more pork, he'd want a pig, too. Um, no. I draw the line at having my own garden. I don't wanna have to deal with animal poop and taking care of said animals when it's -40F with 3 feet of snow on the ground in the winter. Besides, if we had those kind of animals, we'd need to live out in the country, because I think there are city ordinances against farm animals within city limits or something.
As always though, I have no idea if he's just teasing me or if he'd really do it if I gave him half a chance (which I won't). And I don't foresee the garden happening anytime soon, either. I love the idea of it, but when it comes down to it, I like being inside, and I HATE digging in the dirt. That is a recipe for a garden fail if I ever saw one.
But it's all nice to think about sometimes :)
My idea of being crunchy is having my own garden in which I grow veggies and some fruit. But it wouldn't be organic. DH is all for that, but he takes the garden one step further by making our own compost. Fine. It makes sense to use grass clippings and food trash to feed the earth.
But here's where he goes a little crazy. He wants chickens. And goats. If I asked, he'd probably be all for a cow, and if we ate more pork, he'd want a pig, too. Um, no. I draw the line at having my own garden. I don't wanna have to deal with animal poop and taking care of said animals when it's -40F with 3 feet of snow on the ground in the winter. Besides, if we had those kind of animals, we'd need to live out in the country, because I think there are city ordinances against farm animals within city limits or something.
As always though, I have no idea if he's just teasing me or if he'd really do it if I gave him half a chance (which I won't). And I don't foresee the garden happening anytime soon, either. I love the idea of it, but when it comes down to it, I like being inside, and I HATE digging in the dirt. That is a recipe for a garden fail if I ever saw one.
But it's all nice to think about sometimes :)
December 6, 2011
Christmas break
Not in the literal sense anyway. But as far as college band is concerned, it's Christmas break. We had the last concert of the semester on Sunday, and there are no more rehearsals until the middle of January. Sweet!
Why am I in the college band even though I'm not a student? Well, our local college has a pretty small band and the director invites community members and faculty to join to supplement the group. And I feel kinda special because I fall under the alumni category... and in special, I mean it makes me feel old sometimes. Like last year on September 11th, we were having sectionals and I mentioned that I was a sophomore in college when it happened and what class I was in, etc. My entire section were freshman, so they just looked at me with wide eyes and one of them said, "I don't remember much because I was in the second grade." Wow. That made me feel like a super old 29 year old.
Anyway, after I got laid off in 2010, and after the instructor for Jazzercize retired, I found my 5:00's suddenly open. So I contacted the director and asked if I would be able to join. Certainly, he said. I went in one day to "test" for placement, although I knew very well that I would be last chair just because I was joining midway through the 1st semester. That's fine. I like not having tons of responsibilities to play high notes and stuff. Now I'm in my second year with the band and am principle second, and really liking it. The director usually picks pretty difficult music, so it's a challenge, and the clarinet section has 10 people in it this year. This is ginormous for the size of our band, so we're told to back off a lot.
But it also drains my energy pretty quickly, so I'm glad for the break. Now would also be the perfect time to break in some new reeds, as I'm still on the one I used last year. But breaking in a reed is a pain in the ass, so I don't want to. I'll have to suck it up though because I really NEED a new working reed. Blah. Why can't they come pre-broken?
Why am I in the college band even though I'm not a student? Well, our local college has a pretty small band and the director invites community members and faculty to join to supplement the group. And I feel kinda special because I fall under the alumni category... and in special, I mean it makes me feel old sometimes. Like last year on September 11th, we were having sectionals and I mentioned that I was a sophomore in college when it happened and what class I was in, etc. My entire section were freshman, so they just looked at me with wide eyes and one of them said, "I don't remember much because I was in the second grade." Wow. That made me feel like a super old 29 year old.
Anyway, after I got laid off in 2010, and after the instructor for Jazzercize retired, I found my 5:00's suddenly open. So I contacted the director and asked if I would be able to join. Certainly, he said. I went in one day to "test" for placement, although I knew very well that I would be last chair just because I was joining midway through the 1st semester. That's fine. I like not having tons of responsibilities to play high notes and stuff. Now I'm in my second year with the band and am principle second, and really liking it. The director usually picks pretty difficult music, so it's a challenge, and the clarinet section has 10 people in it this year. This is ginormous for the size of our band, so we're told to back off a lot.
But it also drains my energy pretty quickly, so I'm glad for the break. Now would also be the perfect time to break in some new reeds, as I'm still on the one I used last year. But breaking in a reed is a pain in the ass, so I don't want to. I'll have to suck it up though because I really NEED a new working reed. Blah. Why can't they come pre-broken?
December 2, 2011
Sorry...
I haven't written a lot because I just haven't been wanting to write about infertility. And since that's why I started this blog, I feel guilty if I don't write about it. But then I remind myself that it's actually a personal blog, and it just so happens that infertility is a HUGE part of my life, so it stands to reason that I would write about it a lot. But I do do other things, too! Like swim. And play in the college band even though I'm far removed from the college scene. And pretend to celebrate Hanukkah because my husband thinks it's weird that I grew up opening family gifts on Christmas Eve and Santa gifts on Christmas Day (more than one day for opening gifts... get it? I'm not actually Jewish). So maybe I should write about those more? Yeah!
So yeah. I'll try to be around more. But I can't promise anything more than that, because honestly, my everyday life isn't all that exciting, let alone exciting enough to write about it. I'll try to change that!
So yeah. I'll try to be around more. But I can't promise anything more than that, because honestly, my everyday life isn't all that exciting, let alone exciting enough to write about it. I'll try to change that!
November 25, 2011
Stuff
It's Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm tired. Although I'm not a Black Friday shopper normally, I did come across some good sales on things I was looking to get anyway, so I spent some time online in the wee hours of the morning shopping. It would have gone quicker and smoother had the vendors' checkout system not crashed. But it got fixed and I got my stuff. I'm super excited about it, too. :) No. You can't know what I got... there are people who read this blog whose Christmas gifts would be spoiled if I told. But trust me. It's awesome!
Thanksgiving went well. It was me, DH & 2 other friends. DH & I cooked. And I must say, my turkey came out really well. I zested an orange, mixed it with a stick of softened butter, and then slathered it on. Then I sprinkled dried rosemary and black pepper on top. As more flavoring, I quartered the zested orange and quartered an onion and stuffed it all inside (I stuffed before I lathered the butter on... way less mess). Chicken broth was the liquid of choice in the pan. Although I don't eat the skin so didn't taste the orange, the meat was super moist and flavorful. If I keep this up, I'm going to be forced to cook the turkey every holiday (up until last Christmas, DH and/or my FIL did the holiday cooking... and it was good).
In other news, I chipped the corner of one of my front bottom teeth while I was sleeping. Don't know how it happened, but I vaguely remember feeling the chipped part on my tongue, and picking it off and putting it on my nightstand. It's not visible since it's on the bottom, and it doesn't hurt. So I'd considered not bothering to go have it fixed. But my DH wisely pointed out that while it's not a problem now, it likely will be in the future, so why not get it fixed now? Good point. I knew there was a reason why I married him... he's all logical and stuff.
Thanksgiving went well. It was me, DH & 2 other friends. DH & I cooked. And I must say, my turkey came out really well. I zested an orange, mixed it with a stick of softened butter, and then slathered it on. Then I sprinkled dried rosemary and black pepper on top. As more flavoring, I quartered the zested orange and quartered an onion and stuffed it all inside (I stuffed before I lathered the butter on... way less mess). Chicken broth was the liquid of choice in the pan. Although I don't eat the skin so didn't taste the orange, the meat was super moist and flavorful. If I keep this up, I'm going to be forced to cook the turkey every holiday (up until last Christmas, DH and/or my FIL did the holiday cooking... and it was good).
In other news, I chipped the corner of one of my front bottom teeth while I was sleeping. Don't know how it happened, but I vaguely remember feeling the chipped part on my tongue, and picking it off and putting it on my nightstand. It's not visible since it's on the bottom, and it doesn't hurt. So I'd considered not bothering to go have it fixed. But my DH wisely pointed out that while it's not a problem now, it likely will be in the future, so why not get it fixed now? Good point. I knew there was a reason why I married him... he's all logical and stuff.
November 19, 2011
RE visit #3
Sorry, this one will be long. A lot went on in this visit.
Seven days after RE visit #2, I went in for an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) on CD10. This is an x-ray that takes a look at the insides of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages in the tubes and/or to check to make sure the uterus is properly formed and are no problems within like polyps or a septate (separated uterus). They must take place after you're done with AF, but absolutely no later than CD10. The doctors operate under the assumption that any day after that, you could be pregnant.
And at the same appointment, DH was to submit a semen analysis (SA), and after that, we were to have a fertility drug consult. So fun times were to be had by all this day.
To prepare myself for the HSG, I read up on the procedure and read other women's stories about their experiences. And I read some horrible accounts that made me more than a little nervous for it. But by the same token, there were women who had no problems whatsoever. I really hoped I fell into this latter group.
So the day came, a bitter cold February morning, and DH & I drove the 100 miles to the hospital where the HSG was to take place. We were directed to the radiology department, which happened to be in the sketchy-looking basement. It didn't help my nerves. But we got in the room and I was told to undress totally, except for my socks if I wanted to keep them on. I was given a gown to wear. DH was allowed to stay and watch, so he got suited up in lead. He was definitely more excited about this than I was.
I get up on the table and position myself kinda like I was going in for a pap. The RE inserted a special balloon catheter up my lady parts, and proceeded to inject the contrast dye. I was told that I might feel some mild cramping from the balloon. It took just a few more seconds before I started to feel them. They felt like normal PMS cramps, and I thought that's as bad as they would get.
In the meantime, the dye is shooting up my uterus and into the fallopian tubes. As I could see the dye spilling into my abdominal cavity (which is normal), I was told that there were no blockages in my tubes, and that my uterus looked good. Yay! DH thought it was the coolest thing to see the dye work its way up and show the shape of my inner lady parts. It was pretty cool, I admit.
But at that point, I wasn't paying that much attention anymore. Because my normal PMS cramps turned into the cramps from hell. Like, I seriously thought my uterus was trying to make a break for it and was trying to take my ovaries, too. And to cap it all off, when I got off the table to go change in the bathroom, the nurse hands me a diaper-sized maxi pad. Without wings. It's to catch the dye that comes back down with gravity, as well as the spotting that was created by the procedure. Awesome.
So after I change, we leave and go to the fertility clinic for DH's SA. He went in and did his thing, which he wasn't too excited about, but I reminded him that out of everything going on this day, he gets off easy (pun not intended). All the while, I patiently sit and wait for my uterus to stop rebelling and for my Advil to kick in. Didn't happen. Then after he came back out, we went into a another room for the consult.
The nurse basically talked about the 1st-tier drugs that don't require a lot of money... which basically was metformin and clomid. She didn't think metformin would work for me for whatever reason (HA! Totally wrong), so she really tried to push clomid. The thing is, when this clinic prescribes clomid, they require monitoring and they require you to use an injection of another drug ($$$) to induce ovulation. So while the drug itself is pretty cheap, it's not cheap when you add in those other things.
Because monitoring means 1) driving 200 miles roundtrip, at least twice, sometimes up to 4 times in order to 2) get a transvaginal ultrasound to see how your follicles are developing. So when you add up gas money, time away from work, multiple ultrasound costs, the cost of the inject, as well as any charges you may incur by seeing the doctor, well... just one clomid cycle would cost at least $500. And that's only assuming I have to go twice. Insurance would pick up a lot of it, but it still was uncomfortably expensive for something I would likely have to do for many cycles.
Anyway, I'm getting away from the consult. She went through a few things, but we were both super super leery of drugs, so we left without any prescription. So then we went to do some shopping since we were in a city with actual places to shop at. I had to sit in the car in the mall parking lot with my pants unbuttoned and unzipped for a good 20 minutes. I finally sucked it up and took MORE Advil and was praying to God that a total of 4 would do the trick. It did. I almost cried when they went away after about 2 hours. After that, I was able to enjoy the shopping.
The overall result of this day was: my tubes were clear, my uterus looked good, DH's SA came back normal and we decided to hold off on drugs.
And here's my advice if anyone finds themselves having to do an HSG... take 2 Advil before the procedure, and if needed, take 2 after the procedure. Also know that you might spot and lightly cramp for about the next week, and unless you want an old skool maxi pad supplied by the hospital, bring one of your own. Doctors don't tell you that. But maybe my reaction to the procedure was one of the more extreme. But it's better to be prepared than not prepared at all.
And thus is the end of our experiences at the RE. Just a month later, I was laid off and lost my insurance with infertility coverage, so going back just isn't financially feasible. So we're still just going on with hope and patience... and a little help from drugs. I can't say it enough, I love metformin!
Seven days after RE visit #2, I went in for an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) on CD10. This is an x-ray that takes a look at the insides of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages in the tubes and/or to check to make sure the uterus is properly formed and are no problems within like polyps or a septate (separated uterus). They must take place after you're done with AF, but absolutely no later than CD10. The doctors operate under the assumption that any day after that, you could be pregnant.
And at the same appointment, DH was to submit a semen analysis (SA), and after that, we were to have a fertility drug consult. So fun times were to be had by all this day.
To prepare myself for the HSG, I read up on the procedure and read other women's stories about their experiences. And I read some horrible accounts that made me more than a little nervous for it. But by the same token, there were women who had no problems whatsoever. I really hoped I fell into this latter group.
So the day came, a bitter cold February morning, and DH & I drove the 100 miles to the hospital where the HSG was to take place. We were directed to the radiology department, which happened to be in the sketchy-looking basement. It didn't help my nerves. But we got in the room and I was told to undress totally, except for my socks if I wanted to keep them on. I was given a gown to wear. DH was allowed to stay and watch, so he got suited up in lead. He was definitely more excited about this than I was.
I get up on the table and position myself kinda like I was going in for a pap. The RE inserted a special balloon catheter up my lady parts, and proceeded to inject the contrast dye. I was told that I might feel some mild cramping from the balloon. It took just a few more seconds before I started to feel them. They felt like normal PMS cramps, and I thought that's as bad as they would get.
In the meantime, the dye is shooting up my uterus and into the fallopian tubes. As I could see the dye spilling into my abdominal cavity (which is normal), I was told that there were no blockages in my tubes, and that my uterus looked good. Yay! DH thought it was the coolest thing to see the dye work its way up and show the shape of my inner lady parts. It was pretty cool, I admit.
But at that point, I wasn't paying that much attention anymore. Because my normal PMS cramps turned into the cramps from hell. Like, I seriously thought my uterus was trying to make a break for it and was trying to take my ovaries, too. And to cap it all off, when I got off the table to go change in the bathroom, the nurse hands me a diaper-sized maxi pad. Without wings. It's to catch the dye that comes back down with gravity, as well as the spotting that was created by the procedure. Awesome.
So after I change, we leave and go to the fertility clinic for DH's SA. He went in and did his thing, which he wasn't too excited about, but I reminded him that out of everything going on this day, he gets off easy (pun not intended). All the while, I patiently sit and wait for my uterus to stop rebelling and for my Advil to kick in. Didn't happen. Then after he came back out, we went into a another room for the consult.
The nurse basically talked about the 1st-tier drugs that don't require a lot of money... which basically was metformin and clomid. She didn't think metformin would work for me for whatever reason (HA! Totally wrong), so she really tried to push clomid. The thing is, when this clinic prescribes clomid, they require monitoring and they require you to use an injection of another drug ($$$) to induce ovulation. So while the drug itself is pretty cheap, it's not cheap when you add in those other things.
Because monitoring means 1) driving 200 miles roundtrip, at least twice, sometimes up to 4 times in order to 2) get a transvaginal ultrasound to see how your follicles are developing. So when you add up gas money, time away from work, multiple ultrasound costs, the cost of the inject, as well as any charges you may incur by seeing the doctor, well... just one clomid cycle would cost at least $500. And that's only assuming I have to go twice. Insurance would pick up a lot of it, but it still was uncomfortably expensive for something I would likely have to do for many cycles.
Anyway, I'm getting away from the consult. She went through a few things, but we were both super super leery of drugs, so we left without any prescription. So then we went to do some shopping since we were in a city with actual places to shop at. I had to sit in the car in the mall parking lot with my pants unbuttoned and unzipped for a good 20 minutes. I finally sucked it up and took MORE Advil and was praying to God that a total of 4 would do the trick. It did. I almost cried when they went away after about 2 hours. After that, I was able to enjoy the shopping.
The overall result of this day was: my tubes were clear, my uterus looked good, DH's SA came back normal and we decided to hold off on drugs.
And here's my advice if anyone finds themselves having to do an HSG... take 2 Advil before the procedure, and if needed, take 2 after the procedure. Also know that you might spot and lightly cramp for about the next week, and unless you want an old skool maxi pad supplied by the hospital, bring one of your own. Doctors don't tell you that. But maybe my reaction to the procedure was one of the more extreme. But it's better to be prepared than not prepared at all.
And thus is the end of our experiences at the RE. Just a month later, I was laid off and lost my insurance with infertility coverage, so going back just isn't financially feasible. So we're still just going on with hope and patience... and a little help from drugs. I can't say it enough, I love metformin!
November 16, 2011
RE visit #2
(After the diagnosis of PCOS, I threw myself into learning about it, and to see if there were any natural remedies that would help me. So it was quite some time before we went back to the RE. Just letting you know that the first 2 appointments were pretty spread out, which usually isn't the case once one starts seeing an RE.)
On one particular cycle, I was getting tired of getting yanked around by my body and its inability to ovulate in a timely manner. So I called the RE and requested progesterone to force AF. They agreed and send the prescription right on over to my pharmacy. The plan was to call the day AF actually came, which was about 10 days after I started the progesterone pills, and make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound. These are given to make sure your uterus is properly shedding its lining during AF. One is also required in order to make an appointment to get an hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is an x-ray that takes a look at the insides of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages in the tubes and/or to check to make sure the uterus is properly formed and are no problems within. This happened on visit #3, so I won't talk about it yet... you'll just have to wait. :)
Anyway, this baseline ultrasound was another transvaginal, done on CD3 (which was gross), and again, it wasn't as uncomfortable as many make it out to be. Not saying it was fun, but I made do. Now to me, ultrasounds in general are just a bunch of shapes. Even if someone points to something specific, I still can't see it. And so I just nodded my head when the tech pointed to the evidence that my lining was shedding just fine. As long as it's doing its job, I'm good to go. Then I had some more blood drawn, though not as much as the first time. And that was it. I was done within 30 minutes and then I headed back 100 miles to get to work.
On my way out, I made the appointment for an HSG, which would be done within the week. Stay tuned!
On one particular cycle, I was getting tired of getting yanked around by my body and its inability to ovulate in a timely manner. So I called the RE and requested progesterone to force AF. They agreed and send the prescription right on over to my pharmacy. The plan was to call the day AF actually came, which was about 10 days after I started the progesterone pills, and make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound. These are given to make sure your uterus is properly shedding its lining during AF. One is also required in order to make an appointment to get an hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is an x-ray that takes a look at the insides of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages in the tubes and/or to check to make sure the uterus is properly formed and are no problems within. This happened on visit #3, so I won't talk about it yet... you'll just have to wait. :)
Anyway, this baseline ultrasound was another transvaginal, done on CD3 (which was gross), and again, it wasn't as uncomfortable as many make it out to be. Not saying it was fun, but I made do. Now to me, ultrasounds in general are just a bunch of shapes. Even if someone points to something specific, I still can't see it. And so I just nodded my head when the tech pointed to the evidence that my lining was shedding just fine. As long as it's doing its job, I'm good to go. Then I had some more blood drawn, though not as much as the first time. And that was it. I was done within 30 minutes and then I headed back 100 miles to get to work.
On my way out, I made the appointment for an HSG, which would be done within the week. Stay tuned!
November 12, 2011
RE visit #1
Back when I was working (and had insurance that covered infertility treatments pretty well), I had made the decision to make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) as soon as we hit the 1 year TTC mark. Luckily, we live in an area that isn't as populated, so I didn't even need a referral... I just called. I got an appointment pretty much right away, and didn't need to go through infertility seminars that many RE's make patients go through. Score!
But I was cautious too. I knew my husband's stance on medicines, and I knew my stance on assisted reproductive technology (ART), so how the heck would the RE be able to help us? I told myself that at the moment, we were just going to be getting some testing done to see what was up, and that we'd cross whatever bridge we needed to, when it came.
So came the first appointment. It wasn't too bad... just a lot of cycle history info given while the doctor wrote it down, a ton of blood taken (quote from DH to the phlebotomist... "you're going to leave some for her, right?") and finally, a transvaginal ultrasound. Honestly, I thought it would be worse, but I hardly felt anything. Anyway, they wanted to get a look at my ovaries to see if they were polycystic.
They were. The tech showed them to me, and pointed out the "string of pearls" that indicated many developing follicles on each ovary. At this point, I kind of knew about PCOS, but not really, so I wasn't concerned about it. But then a day later when I got the lab results back, I got a jolt when I realized I would need to learn about it in a hurry... my LH level was super high, which when combined with the presence of polycystic ovaries, gave me the diagnosis of PCOS. Awesome. Not.
But I was cautious too. I knew my husband's stance on medicines, and I knew my stance on assisted reproductive technology (ART), so how the heck would the RE be able to help us? I told myself that at the moment, we were just going to be getting some testing done to see what was up, and that we'd cross whatever bridge we needed to, when it came.
So came the first appointment. It wasn't too bad... just a lot of cycle history info given while the doctor wrote it down, a ton of blood taken (quote from DH to the phlebotomist... "you're going to leave some for her, right?") and finally, a transvaginal ultrasound. Honestly, I thought it would be worse, but I hardly felt anything. Anyway, they wanted to get a look at my ovaries to see if they were polycystic.
They were. The tech showed them to me, and pointed out the "string of pearls" that indicated many developing follicles on each ovary. At this point, I kind of knew about PCOS, but not really, so I wasn't concerned about it. But then a day later when I got the lab results back, I got a jolt when I realized I would need to learn about it in a hurry... my LH level was super high, which when combined with the presence of polycystic ovaries, gave me the diagnosis of PCOS. Awesome. Not.
November 8, 2011
19 Kids and Counting
This morning, it was announced that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are expecting their 20th child. Immediately, there were posts on the internet slamming them for various reasons, most of which though were aimed at their common sense. But that is probably nothing new to them, as they've probably heard it since their 10th child.
So here's how I feel about it. Am I happy for them? Yes. They are living according to their religious beliefs regarding children and don't think they're doing it just because they have a TV show. Their first baby born on camera was #15, so you just gotta know they'd keep having them regardless of whether the camera was there or not. It's clearly what they want, and they should be allowed to practice their religion, even if it is something neither you or I would choose ourselves. And if they were on welfare or other public assistance, I would think differently. But they can afford the amount of children they have, so I can't fault them there.
But do I question the wisdom of having more children after Michelle developed severe enough preeclampsia that #19 was born at 25 weeks? Definitely. There is a pretty good chance she'll have it again, which is life-threatening, and with her age (45) the chances are also good of having a baby with some handicap. They've been extremely lucky so far, and I hope this one falls in that same category. But sooner or later when you play Russian Roulette, you're going to lose.
At the same time, I'm also very sad for their existing children, specifically the older girls. For those unfamiliar with the family, Michelle actually does very little parenting, instead leaving it mostly for her 4 eldest daughters. They are 21, 20, 19 & 18. The babies these girls raise clearly consider their older sisters as mothers, and Michelle as that one who calls herself their mother, but is only occasionally around. And there's another daughter who just turned 14... you gotta believe this next baby will be hers for the primary care after Michelle's done breastfeeding. So far she's avoided the bulk of child-rearing, mostly due to her age, but now she's a "woman" in their view, and it's time to learn.
It's all kind of sad and happy at the same time.
So here's how I feel about it. Am I happy for them? Yes. They are living according to their religious beliefs regarding children and don't think they're doing it just because they have a TV show. Their first baby born on camera was #15, so you just gotta know they'd keep having them regardless of whether the camera was there or not. It's clearly what they want, and they should be allowed to practice their religion, even if it is something neither you or I would choose ourselves. And if they were on welfare or other public assistance, I would think differently. But they can afford the amount of children they have, so I can't fault them there.
But do I question the wisdom of having more children after Michelle developed severe enough preeclampsia that #19 was born at 25 weeks? Definitely. There is a pretty good chance she'll have it again, which is life-threatening, and with her age (45) the chances are also good of having a baby with some handicap. They've been extremely lucky so far, and I hope this one falls in that same category. But sooner or later when you play Russian Roulette, you're going to lose.
At the same time, I'm also very sad for their existing children, specifically the older girls. For those unfamiliar with the family, Michelle actually does very little parenting, instead leaving it mostly for her 4 eldest daughters. They are 21, 20, 19 & 18. The babies these girls raise clearly consider their older sisters as mothers, and Michelle as that one who calls herself their mother, but is only occasionally around. And there's another daughter who just turned 14... you gotta believe this next baby will be hers for the primary care after Michelle's done breastfeeding. So far she's avoided the bulk of child-rearing, mostly due to her age, but now she's a "woman" in their view, and it's time to learn.
It's all kind of sad and happy at the same time.
November 6, 2011
November 4, 2011
Ugh...
I hate being sick. I guess no one really likes it, but it's one of those things that you mostly forget about once you're better. So when wee little germs invade your body and try to establish a kingdom, it comes as a surprise at how awful you feel.
So I went to the doctor today because I simply was not getting better... in fact, I had no voice for most of today. I was just going to ride it out, but my husband urged me to go, since this is exactly the reason why we have health insurance. I can report that I do not have strep, nor bronchitis. I have a viral infection that I'm supposed to ride out. Surprise, surprise. It always seems to be something untreatable...
In the meantime, I will continue to cough fire and blow my nose. Fun times. *eyeroll*
So I went to the doctor today because I simply was not getting better... in fact, I had no voice for most of today. I was just going to ride it out, but my husband urged me to go, since this is exactly the reason why we have health insurance. I can report that I do not have strep, nor bronchitis. I have a viral infection that I'm supposed to ride out. Surprise, surprise. It always seems to be something untreatable...
In the meantime, I will continue to cough fire and blow my nose. Fun times. *eyeroll*
November 3, 2011
Symptoms
One of the pitfalls of TTC, is that in the LP, we dissect each and every symptom we get. Like right now, I'm sick. Illness is one of the symptoms one can get when implantation happens, since your immune system is lowered. So it makes me a little hopeful, ya know? But then I have to take a step back and tell myself that I might in fact just be sick.
And then there are the symptoms that are nearly identical to those of PMS. Those suck. So when my boobs start hurting, which they do every single cycle, I can't assume that I'm pregnant. Same thing with cramps, skin breakouts, backaches, mood swings, increased hunger and spotting... all of which are very common in the first weeks after conception. Doesn't stop me from looking at them under the microscope though.
I just wish I was one of *those* women who knew, without a doubt, that they were pregnant without testing, and they turned out to be right. Yeah, that's one of my many pipe dreams.
And then there are the symptoms that are nearly identical to those of PMS. Those suck. So when my boobs start hurting, which they do every single cycle, I can't assume that I'm pregnant. Same thing with cramps, skin breakouts, backaches, mood swings, increased hunger and spotting... all of which are very common in the first weeks after conception. Doesn't stop me from looking at them under the microscope though.
I just wish I was one of *those* women who knew, without a doubt, that they were pregnant without testing, and they turned out to be right. Yeah, that's one of my many pipe dreams.
November 1, 2011
Natural Family Planning
Before my husband and I got married, we were all about the condoms. I simply did not want a child out of wedlock, and at that time, I had no idea what was in store for us. But once we got hitched, it seemed to me that maybe we could lose the condoms, since if I got pregnant, I wouldn't be an unwed mother, and we were going to start trying soon anyway, so why not?
So I started researching various forms of birth control that didn't involve barriers. And it came down to basically 3 options: birth control pills, shots and natural family planning. Considering that I had a bad experience with BCP's in college (a period every 2 weeks and depression), I really wanted to avoid them. Shots were an interesting idea, but we wanted to start trying relatively soon after the wedding, and shots are more of a long-term option. So natural family planning it was.
NFP got a bad rap from my Catholic friends who had to sit through pre-marriage seminars about it, so I initially didn't think it would be for me. But once I started to learn about it, I found that it was really interesting and it makes one very aware of their body and all the various processes that go into a woman's cycle, and that could only be good, right?
How it works is, every morning right when you wake up and before you even get out of bed, you take your temperature using a special thermometer. It measures the temperature into the hundredths instead of tenths like regular ones. And then you plot it on a chart (I use FertilityFriend.com... it's got a widely used charting system, and it's free!). You also track other things like cervical mucus and other symptoms, like headaches, cramps, etc. I won't go into it much, but the ultimate goal was to identify when you're most fertile, and then BD like there's no tomorrow... or if you're using it for birth control, avoid sex at all costs.
And the kind of bad part, is that it's slightly addicting for someone TTC. In the LP, it's very common for me to just stare at my chart and ponder exactly what that morning's temperature means, and whether that twinge near my ovaries was just a twinge or something more. Then I have to make myself step away from the chart, because I am no closer to figuring out my body than I was when I first began charting.
But I do know one thing for sure... I will now almost always know when I'm about to O. There's no way to unlearn this kind of knowledge. Makes me wish more women would learn NFP... then at the very least, women would know more about their own bodies. And I'll go out on a limb and say that if I should be blessed with a daughter, she will learn how to chart when she gets The Talk, which will be about the time she gets her first period. It'll be a good learning experience, I think.
Yeah, I plan ahead.
So I started researching various forms of birth control that didn't involve barriers. And it came down to basically 3 options: birth control pills, shots and natural family planning. Considering that I had a bad experience with BCP's in college (a period every 2 weeks and depression), I really wanted to avoid them. Shots were an interesting idea, but we wanted to start trying relatively soon after the wedding, and shots are more of a long-term option. So natural family planning it was.
NFP got a bad rap from my Catholic friends who had to sit through pre-marriage seminars about it, so I initially didn't think it would be for me. But once I started to learn about it, I found that it was really interesting and it makes one very aware of their body and all the various processes that go into a woman's cycle, and that could only be good, right?
How it works is, every morning right when you wake up and before you even get out of bed, you take your temperature using a special thermometer. It measures the temperature into the hundredths instead of tenths like regular ones. And then you plot it on a chart (I use FertilityFriend.com... it's got a widely used charting system, and it's free!). You also track other things like cervical mucus and other symptoms, like headaches, cramps, etc. I won't go into it much, but the ultimate goal was to identify when you're most fertile, and then BD like there's no tomorrow... or if you're using it for birth control, avoid sex at all costs.
And the kind of bad part, is that it's slightly addicting for someone TTC. In the LP, it's very common for me to just stare at my chart and ponder exactly what that morning's temperature means, and whether that twinge near my ovaries was just a twinge or something more. Then I have to make myself step away from the chart, because I am no closer to figuring out my body than I was when I first began charting.
But I do know one thing for sure... I will now almost always know when I'm about to O. There's no way to unlearn this kind of knowledge. Makes me wish more women would learn NFP... then at the very least, women would know more about their own bodies. And I'll go out on a limb and say that if I should be blessed with a daughter, she will learn how to chart when she gets The Talk, which will be about the time she gets her first period. It'll be a good learning experience, I think.
Yeah, I plan ahead.
October 28, 2011
Food challenge, update
I've had a few people ask me about this, so it's a good time for an update, huh?
It turns out that the day after I posted about the challenge, my husband, maybe realizing that he wouldn't be getting many nutritious meals should we go ahead with it, told me that we didn't have to do it. BUT... he would really really like it if I could use the stuff in the freezer, which is mostly meat. Okay, I can do that, and it won't make me feel overwhelmed trying to be creative after the fresh stuff is gone.
And I have to mention that I did not complain or whine about it... I was all on board to do it, though I wasn't jumping up and down excited to do it. Nor does he read this blog, so I cannot be blamed for his change of heart. :)
But while I'm talking about food and shopping, I'm going to do my grocery shopping for next week solely at Walmart, to see what the bill comes out to be. The grocery store I usually shop at has been raising their prices a ridiculous amount, and I'm having problems keeping within the $75 weekly budget, even without buying meat.
For an example, I buy FiberOne wheat bread. At the grocery store, it was $3.99 for a long time. Just last week, I noticed it is now $4.33. What is it at Walmart? $2.99. I know... paying $4 for a loaf of bread is insane, but my husband likes the fiber content, so that's what I get. There are other items I constantly buy that have had their prices go up, too, so we'll see how that turns out. Not totally wild about driving across town to grocery shop, and at Walmart to boot, but I'll take what I can get.
It turns out that the day after I posted about the challenge, my husband, maybe realizing that he wouldn't be getting many nutritious meals should we go ahead with it, told me that we didn't have to do it. BUT... he would really really like it if I could use the stuff in the freezer, which is mostly meat. Okay, I can do that, and it won't make me feel overwhelmed trying to be creative after the fresh stuff is gone.
And I have to mention that I did not complain or whine about it... I was all on board to do it, though I wasn't jumping up and down excited to do it. Nor does he read this blog, so I cannot be blamed for his change of heart. :)
But while I'm talking about food and shopping, I'm going to do my grocery shopping for next week solely at Walmart, to see what the bill comes out to be. The grocery store I usually shop at has been raising their prices a ridiculous amount, and I'm having problems keeping within the $75 weekly budget, even without buying meat.
For an example, I buy FiberOne wheat bread. At the grocery store, it was $3.99 for a long time. Just last week, I noticed it is now $4.33. What is it at Walmart? $2.99. I know... paying $4 for a loaf of bread is insane, but my husband likes the fiber content, so that's what I get. There are other items I constantly buy that have had their prices go up, too, so we'll see how that turns out. Not totally wild about driving across town to grocery shop, and at Walmart to boot, but I'll take what I can get.
October 27, 2011
Irrational love
How can one love something that makes life occasionally inconvenient? Such is my love for the drug Metformin.
In my last post, I mentioned how it's drastically reduced the length of my cycles. And that is exactly why I love it. Before, I would have no idea in any given cycle just when I would ovulate. Sometimes it would be a short 24 days*, sometimes an average 38 days, and sometimes an excruciatingly long 63 days. And that's not counting the luteal phase, which is usually 14-16 days long for me.
It drove me insane with the waiting around. And the sucky part is that any egg that's released after 30 days of developing is not as strong as an egg that's released before that 30 days. I call it an old egg, but stale egg would be a more understandable term. Anyway, in my longer cycles, we would still try, but the fact that the egg wasn't fresh probably hindered us more than we realized until we'd been trying for well over 2 years.
Then in February of 2011, I went in for my yearly with my Physician's Assistant. And I had ulterior motives as well. At that point, I was 43 days into a cycle and had been spotting for the better part of a week... and no O in sight. I tested to make sure I wasn't pregnant and then I decided I'd had enough. So in my appointment, I asked the PA if she would write me a prescription for progesterone so I could end that hellish cycle. After she said okay, I went out on a whim and asked if she'd write me a prescription for Metformin as well. For those unfamiliar with the drug, it's main use is for people with Type 2 diabetes, as it helps the body absorb insulin better. And since one of the features of PCOS is insulin resistance, metformin is commonly used by RE's to help get that under control.
Back to my story, I kind of expected her to say no, because she is a PA and not a fertility specialist. But she is actually pretty knowledgeable about fertility matters, and she said yes! She started me at 500mg a day, and after a month, I was boosted up to 2,000mg a day. And ever since I started it, I have not O'd any later than 27 days, though the average now is 21 days. It's so wonderful, I don't know how I'm ever going to go back to "normal". Of course I have hopes that my body adapts to this timing, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
It does come with a price, however. Metformin is not an easy drug for the digestive tract. It does get better the longer you're on it, but even now, 8 months later, I have to be careful about when I take it, and to make sure I'm near a bathroom at all times because I never know how I'll react to the drug on any given day. Makes traveling interesting sometimes (and that is another reason why going on the band tour would be super inconvenient & humiliating).
But in the end, I have to weigh the good with the bad, and although living in a bathroom sucks, I can live with it since getting an early O gives me such a peace of mind and a renewed sense of hope. It also gives me more chances to try... going from 6 to 11ish chances a year. And chances are all I really want out of the drug.
*for a woman with long cycles, 24 days is short. Remember, it's all relative.
In my last post, I mentioned how it's drastically reduced the length of my cycles. And that is exactly why I love it. Before, I would have no idea in any given cycle just when I would ovulate. Sometimes it would be a short 24 days*, sometimes an average 38 days, and sometimes an excruciatingly long 63 days. And that's not counting the luteal phase, which is usually 14-16 days long for me.
It drove me insane with the waiting around. And the sucky part is that any egg that's released after 30 days of developing is not as strong as an egg that's released before that 30 days. I call it an old egg, but stale egg would be a more understandable term. Anyway, in my longer cycles, we would still try, but the fact that the egg wasn't fresh probably hindered us more than we realized until we'd been trying for well over 2 years.
Then in February of 2011, I went in for my yearly with my Physician's Assistant. And I had ulterior motives as well. At that point, I was 43 days into a cycle and had been spotting for the better part of a week... and no O in sight. I tested to make sure I wasn't pregnant and then I decided I'd had enough. So in my appointment, I asked the PA if she would write me a prescription for progesterone so I could end that hellish cycle. After she said okay, I went out on a whim and asked if she'd write me a prescription for Metformin as well. For those unfamiliar with the drug, it's main use is for people with Type 2 diabetes, as it helps the body absorb insulin better. And since one of the features of PCOS is insulin resistance, metformin is commonly used by RE's to help get that under control.
Back to my story, I kind of expected her to say no, because she is a PA and not a fertility specialist. But she is actually pretty knowledgeable about fertility matters, and she said yes! She started me at 500mg a day, and after a month, I was boosted up to 2,000mg a day. And ever since I started it, I have not O'd any later than 27 days, though the average now is 21 days. It's so wonderful, I don't know how I'm ever going to go back to "normal". Of course I have hopes that my body adapts to this timing, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
It does come with a price, however. Metformin is not an easy drug for the digestive tract. It does get better the longer you're on it, but even now, 8 months later, I have to be careful about when I take it, and to make sure I'm near a bathroom at all times because I never know how I'll react to the drug on any given day. Makes traveling interesting sometimes (and that is another reason why going on the band tour would be super inconvenient & humiliating).
But in the end, I have to weigh the good with the bad, and although living in a bathroom sucks, I can live with it since getting an early O gives me such a peace of mind and a renewed sense of hope. It also gives me more chances to try... going from 6 to 11ish chances a year. And chances are all I really want out of the drug.
*for a woman with long cycles, 24 days is short. Remember, it's all relative.
October 24, 2011
Waiting
You know the one part I hate about TTC? The waiting. Now, I generally regard myself as one of the most patient people on this entire planet, but with my body, it can get ridiculous. At the absolute worst, I waited over 63 days just to ovulate. When I started getting more and more of those super long cycles (anything over 45 days), that's when I decided enough was enough and asked my doctor to put me on Metformin. Now it's a very manageable 18-23 days. But I still find myself getting impatient. Like now. I'm CD19 and I know O will happen at any moment because I've been getting EWCM the past few days. But I still wanted it to happen yesterday.
Perhaps it's because I know that I will want the 2WW to get over quickly, so it might as well start now. So I'll have one more go with my hubby and hope I wake with a nice temp rise tomorrow morning. And then I can start waiting again. :)
Perhaps it's because I know that I will want the 2WW to get over quickly, so it might as well start now. So I'll have one more go with my hubby and hope I wake with a nice temp rise tomorrow morning. And then I can start waiting again. :)
October 19, 2011
Randomness
I'm tired of talking about infertility... for a little bit at least. So this post won't be about it. Yay!
But it will be a very random type of post. Because that's how I roll. :)
First, we have apples up the wazoo. Our apple tree had a bumper crop this year, and for once, we're actually going to be using them. Usually we just let them go. But anyway, we got our first frost last night, so after my husband got home from work, we took a few hours and did some picking and some major pruning... the tree is so huge that we will be unable to get the apples near the top. The only problem is though, is that I have no idea what to do with them all. He's going to be taking 2-3 boxes to his workplace, but we'll be keeping the rest. I'm thinking I'll make some apple chips, apple leather and apple sauce. It might involve me going back to Walmart and buying more jars for canning though. That's okay I guess.
Second, figure skating Grand Prix season starts tomorrow, and I'm super excited! I'm an uber fan and watch all the competitions online, whenever they may be on... which is sometimes at ridiculous times since most of the competitions will be held in Europe or Asia. But this weekend, it'll be in the US (Skate America), so I won't have to rearrange my sleep schedule. Yay! I have yet to actually attend a competition, but it's on my to-do list.
Third, I think I've lost about 5 pounds since I've started swimming. Yay! It just amazes me how much weight I'd gained while I worked. I was at 115 when I started working in June 2003, and at my max in March 2010, I weighed 145 and I was just about ready to move up a dress size... not cool. But then I got laid off, and 2 days later, got all 4 wisdom teeth out and really couldn't eat much for 2 weeks, so I lost about 10 pounds right there. And ever since then, it's just been coming off so gradually that I really haven't noticed until recently. Now I'm skirting around the 122-125 range, and I wouldn't mind getting back to 115. But my clothes fit well now, so I'm not sure I wanna try to get to a smaller size. We'll see. With the holidays coming up, it might be a tough battle to stay at this weight, but I'll give it a go. Good thing I don't normally eat a lot of Christmas cookies!
But it will be a very random type of post. Because that's how I roll. :)
First, we have apples up the wazoo. Our apple tree had a bumper crop this year, and for once, we're actually going to be using them. Usually we just let them go. But anyway, we got our first frost last night, so after my husband got home from work, we took a few hours and did some picking and some major pruning... the tree is so huge that we will be unable to get the apples near the top. The only problem is though, is that I have no idea what to do with them all. He's going to be taking 2-3 boxes to his workplace, but we'll be keeping the rest. I'm thinking I'll make some apple chips, apple leather and apple sauce. It might involve me going back to Walmart and buying more jars for canning though. That's okay I guess.
Second, figure skating Grand Prix season starts tomorrow, and I'm super excited! I'm an uber fan and watch all the competitions online, whenever they may be on... which is sometimes at ridiculous times since most of the competitions will be held in Europe or Asia. But this weekend, it'll be in the US (Skate America), so I won't have to rearrange my sleep schedule. Yay! I have yet to actually attend a competition, but it's on my to-do list.
Third, I think I've lost about 5 pounds since I've started swimming. Yay! It just amazes me how much weight I'd gained while I worked. I was at 115 when I started working in June 2003, and at my max in March 2010, I weighed 145 and I was just about ready to move up a dress size... not cool. But then I got laid off, and 2 days later, got all 4 wisdom teeth out and really couldn't eat much for 2 weeks, so I lost about 10 pounds right there. And ever since then, it's just been coming off so gradually that I really haven't noticed until recently. Now I'm skirting around the 122-125 range, and I wouldn't mind getting back to 115. But my clothes fit well now, so I'm not sure I wanna try to get to a smaller size. We'll see. With the holidays coming up, it might be a tough battle to stay at this weight, but I'll give it a go. Good thing I don't normally eat a lot of Christmas cookies!
October 14, 2011
Friends of Infertiles - Say This
In my last post, I listed some things that someone probably shouldn't say to someone going through infertility. So to perhaps be a little more helpful, I'll share some things that might actually help or comfort.
1. I'm sorry
If you don't know what to say, say this. It covers a lot of bases, and doesn't require further action. We understand that not everyone will want to talk about it. And honestly, we'll be very very very thankful that you didn't tell us we just needed to relax and it would happen!
2. Do you wanna talk about it?
If you're a good listener, this is a good one. A lot of infertile women are frustrated beyond belief and just need to talk to someone. No need to offer advice. Just be there and understand that there may be some tears.
3. Is there anything I can do?
Chances are, there is nothing you can do to help. But it's the thought that counts, and us infertiles appreciate that you are willing to help.
Here are some other things to consider:
1. If you yourself get pregnant, privately tell your infertile friend your news a few days before you let others know. There is nothing worse than finding out your good friend is pregnant when she announces it to a room full of people, and there is little chance for escape. While your infertile friends' heart will still be shattered no matter when you tell her, at least you've given her the privacy to cry as well as the time needed to work through very strong feelings.
2. Don't be upset if she doesn't get all excited when you tell her about your pregnancy. When she hears the news, she'll probably be thinking, "oh great. ANOTHER f*ing woman is pregnant." Chances are she IS very happy for you deep inside though, so give her time to be sad, angry and/or jealous for herself.
3. Understand when she isolates herself. There will be good days and bad days. So when she declines an invitation to dinner or games, it's probably because she needs time alone. Also in this category, is how she deals with your pregnancy. For example, when one of my good friends was pregnant, I was invited to touch her belly to feel the baby moving. My immediate instinct was to decline, so that's what I did. Because I knew that if I felt that movement, I would break down with yearning. It didn't matter if it was a good day or a bad day... I knew what would happen if I did. So I didn't. And my friend understood.
4. Know that the emotions an infertile woman feels when someone close to her gets pregnant are very strong and generally negative. Even if you don't understand why she is upset, know that her feelings and reactions ARE valid and real. So please respect her as a person and don't shame her into thinking she's wrong in being upset. Because it's not wrong to have a negative reaction. It's not right, either. It just is, and no one can change that.
1. I'm sorry
If you don't know what to say, say this. It covers a lot of bases, and doesn't require further action. We understand that not everyone will want to talk about it. And honestly, we'll be very very very thankful that you didn't tell us we just needed to relax and it would happen!
2. Do you wanna talk about it?
If you're a good listener, this is a good one. A lot of infertile women are frustrated beyond belief and just need to talk to someone. No need to offer advice. Just be there and understand that there may be some tears.
3. Is there anything I can do?
Chances are, there is nothing you can do to help. But it's the thought that counts, and us infertiles appreciate that you are willing to help.
Here are some other things to consider:
1. If you yourself get pregnant, privately tell your infertile friend your news a few days before you let others know. There is nothing worse than finding out your good friend is pregnant when she announces it to a room full of people, and there is little chance for escape. While your infertile friends' heart will still be shattered no matter when you tell her, at least you've given her the privacy to cry as well as the time needed to work through very strong feelings.
2. Don't be upset if she doesn't get all excited when you tell her about your pregnancy. When she hears the news, she'll probably be thinking, "oh great. ANOTHER f*ing woman is pregnant." Chances are she IS very happy for you deep inside though, so give her time to be sad, angry and/or jealous for herself.
3. Understand when she isolates herself. There will be good days and bad days. So when she declines an invitation to dinner or games, it's probably because she needs time alone. Also in this category, is how she deals with your pregnancy. For example, when one of my good friends was pregnant, I was invited to touch her belly to feel the baby moving. My immediate instinct was to decline, so that's what I did. Because I knew that if I felt that movement, I would break down with yearning. It didn't matter if it was a good day or a bad day... I knew what would happen if I did. So I didn't. And my friend understood.
4. Know that the emotions an infertile woman feels when someone close to her gets pregnant are very strong and generally negative. Even if you don't understand why she is upset, know that her feelings and reactions ARE valid and real. So please respect her as a person and don't shame her into thinking she's wrong in being upset. Because it's not wrong to have a negative reaction. It's not right, either. It just is, and no one can change that.
October 11, 2011
Friends of Infertiles - Say What?
Anyone dealing with infertility will have encountered well-meaning people who want to help them out in their time of need. Unfortunately, the things that usually come out of their mouths just make them mad with their insensitivity.
I've touched upon it in a few posts, but I thought I'd give a few of the most irritating pieces of advice & comments I've personally heard, why they bother me so much and/or maybe some of the things I'd like to retort back with (and it will help you to not say something that will upset your friend).
1. Just relax and it'll happen (or go on vacation and it'll happen)
This shows up as most women's #1 anger-inducing comment, and I'm no different. What I loathe about it, is that it implies that I am single handedly preventing myself from becoming pregnant just because I track everything regarding my cycle, which usually makes one more involved in the process. Hence, not relaxed. Besides, if that's all it takes, I would have had a baby right away, since I was as relaxed as could be back then. And relaxing won't take my PCOS away.
2. You're still young
Says the 25 year old woman with 2 kids already. And it's always the young mothers who say this. If a nice grandmotherly type said this to me, I wouldn't be nearly as bothered. But since it usually comes from younger women, it just sounds patronizing.
3. It'll happen when you're ready
Who the hell are you to tell me that I'm not ready to be a parent? Are you implying that it's best we wait because we'll be such horrible parents if it happens now? Ugh... this one makes my blood boil.
4. Just adopt
Because it's totally as easy as placing an order and going to pick it up 15 minutes later *eyeroll*
5. Being pregnant sucks
I would give my right arm if I could throw up every day for months on end, gain huge amounts of weight, get swollen ankles, etc. if it meant I could have a baby at the end of it. Just because you hated it doesn't mean I won't treasure every second of it...even then less-than-fun parts.
6. You must be having a lot of fun (having lots of sex) trying to have a baby
I love my husband. I love sex. But when you're in your fertile time, it's not really having sex... it's just another chore on your daily list. And chores usually aren't that awesome. Granted, the first few times are usually fun, but once you start doing it every day for the sole purpose of fertilizing an egg, it kinda loses meaning. (My husband does not share this view, BTW, and wishes I were fertile more often.)
7. Raising kids is hard.
Thank you Captain Obvious. Is this somehow supposed to make me rethink TTC just because it's not easy? Are you saying you think I'm not up to the task?
8. At least you get to sleep in/take vacations/go out
Again, I will gladly give these things up for a baby. I will live. Promise.
9. Are you sure you want kids? (said as the questioners own kids fight and bicker)
People in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. This question is supposed to come off as cute, but all it does is make me judge your disciplining skills. Yeah, all kids bicker and fight, but when you do nothing to stop it, it makes me vow to not be like you. Besides, I'll be lucky if I even have ONE, let alone 2 who will bicker with each other. Count your blessings.
10. He just looks at me and I get pregnant
Congratulations. And thank you for rubbing your extreme fertileness in my face.
I've touched upon it in a few posts, but I thought I'd give a few of the most irritating pieces of advice & comments I've personally heard, why they bother me so much and/or maybe some of the things I'd like to retort back with (and it will help you to not say something that will upset your friend).
1. Just relax and it'll happen (or go on vacation and it'll happen)
This shows up as most women's #1 anger-inducing comment, and I'm no different. What I loathe about it, is that it implies that I am single handedly preventing myself from becoming pregnant just because I track everything regarding my cycle, which usually makes one more involved in the process. Hence, not relaxed. Besides, if that's all it takes, I would have had a baby right away, since I was as relaxed as could be back then. And relaxing won't take my PCOS away.
2. You're still young
Says the 25 year old woman with 2 kids already. And it's always the young mothers who say this. If a nice grandmotherly type said this to me, I wouldn't be nearly as bothered. But since it usually comes from younger women, it just sounds patronizing.
3. It'll happen when you're ready
Who the hell are you to tell me that I'm not ready to be a parent? Are you implying that it's best we wait because we'll be such horrible parents if it happens now? Ugh... this one makes my blood boil.
4. Just adopt
Because it's totally as easy as placing an order and going to pick it up 15 minutes later *eyeroll*
5. Being pregnant sucks
I would give my right arm if I could throw up every day for months on end, gain huge amounts of weight, get swollen ankles, etc. if it meant I could have a baby at the end of it. Just because you hated it doesn't mean I won't treasure every second of it...even then less-than-fun parts.
6. You must be having a lot of fun (having lots of sex) trying to have a baby
I love my husband. I love sex. But when you're in your fertile time, it's not really having sex... it's just another chore on your daily list. And chores usually aren't that awesome. Granted, the first few times are usually fun, but once you start doing it every day for the sole purpose of fertilizing an egg, it kinda loses meaning. (My husband does not share this view, BTW, and wishes I were fertile more often.)
7. Raising kids is hard.
Thank you Captain Obvious. Is this somehow supposed to make me rethink TTC just because it's not easy? Are you saying you think I'm not up to the task?
8. At least you get to sleep in/take vacations/go out
Again, I will gladly give these things up for a baby. I will live. Promise.
9. Are you sure you want kids? (said as the questioners own kids fight and bicker)
People in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. This question is supposed to come off as cute, but all it does is make me judge your disciplining skills. Yeah, all kids bicker and fight, but when you do nothing to stop it, it makes me vow to not be like you. Besides, I'll be lucky if I even have ONE, let alone 2 who will bicker with each other. Count your blessings.
10. He just looks at me and I get pregnant
Congratulations. And thank you for rubbing your extreme fertileness in my face.
October 6, 2011
Cycle #27
Yep.
Although last cycle was NOT cool. I thought I was pregnant because I developed the urge to eat everything in sight, even though I had stuffed myself only a hour before. This lasted a few days. So since this was something new, I of course jumped to the conclusion that something finally worked and that there'd be a baby coming mid June 2012. Not so. I started spotting at 11DPO, per the norm, and 5 days later, AF.
There is something so devastating about thinking you're pregnant, instead of just hoping you are, only to find out you were wrong. After you've thought about how & when you'll tell friends and family, beginning a name list, nurseries and most heartbreakingly, after you've imagined cradling that sweet little lump in your arms once it's been born.
And that's the exact reason why I'm so pessimistic about the outcome of my cycles. I LOVE thinking about all those things, but I've learned I shouldn't think about them in the LP. Which sucks because they make me so happy. But it's a small sacrifice for not being inconsolable when the inevitable BFN shows up.
Although last cycle was NOT cool. I thought I was pregnant because I developed the urge to eat everything in sight, even though I had stuffed myself only a hour before. This lasted a few days. So since this was something new, I of course jumped to the conclusion that something finally worked and that there'd be a baby coming mid June 2012. Not so. I started spotting at 11DPO, per the norm, and 5 days later, AF.
There is something so devastating about thinking you're pregnant, instead of just hoping you are, only to find out you were wrong. After you've thought about how & when you'll tell friends and family, beginning a name list, nurseries and most heartbreakingly, after you've imagined cradling that sweet little lump in your arms once it's been born.
And that's the exact reason why I'm so pessimistic about the outcome of my cycles. I LOVE thinking about all those things, but I've learned I shouldn't think about them in the LP. Which sucks because they make me so happy. But it's a small sacrifice for not being inconsolable when the inevitable BFN shows up.
October 4, 2011
Options
From the very moment I discovered I had a problem, I started thinking of all the options open to me in order to get a baby. Many women run the gamut of tests & procedures, and although not all are successful, enough are to give hope and make an industry. Many turn to adoption. Many decide to foster. Many choose to remain childfree. So which of these options are still on the table for me?
Drugs
I'm not unwilling to take fertility medicine, but only up to a certain point. Clomid is as far as I can see myself going. Part of it is because I cannot afford to be monitored, which is usually a requirement for most of the Big Guns. The other part is because my husband is against taking any drugs at all, and that if we can't have a baby naturally, it just wasn't meant to be. While I don't necessarily agree with him on the no drug part, his view on the other part falls in line with what I generally believe in life... that if it was meant to happen, it will happen. So I guess it's a huge step for me to even see the RE, let alone take some minor fertility drugs.
Procedures
All along, IVF has been off the table. I feel I cannot put myself through the mental, physical and financial strain for something that may not work. Even when my old medical coverage would cover 1 IVF procedure & drugs, I never even considered it. IUI is also off the table, mostly because I'd need to be monitored to do it.
Adoption
Adoption has always been an option for us, although we would likely find a birth mother who was still pregnant. While I have nothing against toddlers and older kids, I just want a new baby. Makes me sound selfish, and maybe I am, but it is what it is. Anyway, once we decide to stop TTC, this will be our next step. Hopefully the adoption tax credit will still be in place. Otherwise it might be a difficult go for us financially.
Fostering
I'm not totally opposed to it, but it makes me leery. I know I can adopt through fostering, but there will be a very small chance at adopting a baby through foster care. Not only that, but I'm not sure I'm up to the task of being a foster parent in general. Tons of unknowns, and while I understand that the whole goal of fostering is to reunite the kids with the parents, I'm not sure I can handle sending kids I've been caring for and loving back to a home whose situation is tenuous at best.
Childfree
This option has been entering my brain more and more. I think, "our life is full and happy, and we don't NEED kids to make it more so." And it's true. All the things infertiles hate to hear from other people are sometimes true... we can sleep in if we want to; we can leave town on a whim; we have plenty of money to do fun things with, etc. So in the end it will come down to whether we will regret this decision in the future, or if we really will be fine with only living vicariously through friends in the kid department, which is what we are doing right now. This option is still a few years off from being seriously considered though.
Drugs
I'm not unwilling to take fertility medicine, but only up to a certain point. Clomid is as far as I can see myself going. Part of it is because I cannot afford to be monitored, which is usually a requirement for most of the Big Guns. The other part is because my husband is against taking any drugs at all, and that if we can't have a baby naturally, it just wasn't meant to be. While I don't necessarily agree with him on the no drug part, his view on the other part falls in line with what I generally believe in life... that if it was meant to happen, it will happen. So I guess it's a huge step for me to even see the RE, let alone take some minor fertility drugs.
Procedures
All along, IVF has been off the table. I feel I cannot put myself through the mental, physical and financial strain for something that may not work. Even when my old medical coverage would cover 1 IVF procedure & drugs, I never even considered it. IUI is also off the table, mostly because I'd need to be monitored to do it.
Adoption
Adoption has always been an option for us, although we would likely find a birth mother who was still pregnant. While I have nothing against toddlers and older kids, I just want a new baby. Makes me sound selfish, and maybe I am, but it is what it is. Anyway, once we decide to stop TTC, this will be our next step. Hopefully the adoption tax credit will still be in place. Otherwise it might be a difficult go for us financially.
Fostering
I'm not totally opposed to it, but it makes me leery. I know I can adopt through fostering, but there will be a very small chance at adopting a baby through foster care. Not only that, but I'm not sure I'm up to the task of being a foster parent in general. Tons of unknowns, and while I understand that the whole goal of fostering is to reunite the kids with the parents, I'm not sure I can handle sending kids I've been caring for and loving back to a home whose situation is tenuous at best.
Childfree
This option has been entering my brain more and more. I think, "our life is full and happy, and we don't NEED kids to make it more so." And it's true. All the things infertiles hate to hear from other people are sometimes true... we can sleep in if we want to; we can leave town on a whim; we have plenty of money to do fun things with, etc. So in the end it will come down to whether we will regret this decision in the future, or if we really will be fine with only living vicariously through friends in the kid department, which is what we are doing right now. This option is still a few years off from being seriously considered though.
October 3, 2011
Food challenge
The other day, my husband was trying to find ingredients to make brownies, and wasn't having much luck since the kitchen is my domain. In the process of looking however, he saw food (staples mostly) that we don't use that often. And this bothers him. See, my husband is the kind of person that buys only what he needs, and feels that we shouldn't need to keep a lot of food in the house, even if they are staples. So he issued a challenge to me that I'm willing to do (for once).
For 4 weeks, starting the last week of October until the end of the third week in November, we will eat only food that we have at the house. That's right. NO trips to the store*. The first week or so, we will use up the perishables like produce, bread and eggs. But after that, that's when it should get interesting, especially for him. He loves fruits and veggies and overall, eats really well. So I think it'll become difficult for him towards the end when we will probably be eating a lot of oatmeal, rice, pasta and potatoes - all of which he eats very sparingly now.
And honestly, I don't think we have THAT much food... you know, the amount we need to feed both of us 3 meals a day for 1 month without going to the store, and without starving ourselves. So I think I'm going to have to be a little sneaky these next few weeks and make some things I can freeze easily, like chili and soup. As well as supplement some things I think we'll really miss, like orange juice. I <3 oj, so I think I may have to cheat and buy a few cans of frozen oj. I might not be able to get away with that as much though, because I usually only buy the non-frozen stuff and he'll be onto me like white on rice if he sees those cans in the freezer. So I may have to think about that.
*the only exception to the no-going-to-the-store thing, is when we host our friends for our bi-monthly dinner & game party. There are 6 of us and we all rotate on who cooks. My turn will be coming up within that month time frame, and I can't subject my friends to this challenge without a lot of guilt. Because by that time, we will likely be well within the pasta and butter sauce stage.
Within the next few weeks, I will be taking inventory of what we have and making meals plans, and I'll share that here. Should be interesting. But I will say, Thanksgiving will kick ass because of this. And it'll be fun to build up my food supply again ;)
For 4 weeks, starting the last week of October until the end of the third week in November, we will eat only food that we have at the house. That's right. NO trips to the store*. The first week or so, we will use up the perishables like produce, bread and eggs. But after that, that's when it should get interesting, especially for him. He loves fruits and veggies and overall, eats really well. So I think it'll become difficult for him towards the end when we will probably be eating a lot of oatmeal, rice, pasta and potatoes - all of which he eats very sparingly now.
And honestly, I don't think we have THAT much food... you know, the amount we need to feed both of us 3 meals a day for 1 month without going to the store, and without starving ourselves. So I think I'm going to have to be a little sneaky these next few weeks and make some things I can freeze easily, like chili and soup. As well as supplement some things I think we'll really miss, like orange juice. I <3 oj, so I think I may have to cheat and buy a few cans of frozen oj. I might not be able to get away with that as much though, because I usually only buy the non-frozen stuff and he'll be onto me like white on rice if he sees those cans in the freezer. So I may have to think about that.
*the only exception to the no-going-to-the-store thing, is when we host our friends for our bi-monthly dinner & game party. There are 6 of us and we all rotate on who cooks. My turn will be coming up within that month time frame, and I can't subject my friends to this challenge without a lot of guilt. Because by that time, we will likely be well within the pasta and butter sauce stage.
Within the next few weeks, I will be taking inventory of what we have and making meals plans, and I'll share that here. Should be interesting. But I will say, Thanksgiving will kick ass because of this. And it'll be fun to build up my food supply again ;)
September 28, 2011
On being "out"
About a year and a half ago, while I was gearing up to go do a wonderful HSG test (and by wonderful, I mean excruciatingly painful) the next week, my mother happened to call. When I mentioned that I had to take a day off of work, she of course asked why, being a mother and all. At that point, no one but my very closest friends knew that we were TTC and having difficulties. So there lay a dilemma... do I tell her? Do I let her think that we're still taking our time in giving her more grandbabies? What would be the consequences of telling her? Would she understand? And finally, would I really care when she inevitably let slip to other family members or her co-workers that we were having trouble in the baby department? All these thoughts flashed through my head in a loaded 2 second pause after her query as to why I needed a day off. So on a whim, I just decided to tell her, because it would at least get her off my back about the baby department. She was, and still is, super supportive and understanding... although she occasionally still asks when we're going to give her another grandbaby. Oh well, I tried.
Shortly after I told my mother (and so the rest of my family indirectly), I figured I might as well out myself on Facebook. I've gotten nothing but overwhelming support from all my friends, and I do not regret being out for one second. It's just soooooo tedious making up vague excuses about why we do not have children yet, and I figure if I can spread awareness just a little bit about something few women talk about, then all the better. I know that not all infertiles feel the way I do about being out, some of that lending to the fact that they've had some negative experiences as a result. And it's unfortunate that some people aren't very open-minded about it, or think that infertility can be solved just simply by relaxing (I will get into that later, cause it makes me mad). But for me at least, it's totally been worth it in being out although there are some ways in which I'm still closeted.
I, as a community member, participate in the local college's band. I really love it, and the director is a nice guy and he brings a lot of energy to the group. Anyway, every year at the beginning of November, the band takes a tour and plays at various high schools in whichever area the tour goes. I didn't go last year, because I had no idea when I would O and wanted to be near my husband should that be the time. (I don't remember the timing of that particular cycle, but needless to say, it didn't result in a pregnancy).
Well, I had to decline going again for the same reason this year. And of course, he knows that I don't work outside the home and that I have no such restrictions as every other community member has. So he asks what plans I have going. There are a few students in the room when this conversation is going on, so I didn't blurt out that I maybe perhaps might need to be near my husband around that time, but I'm not totally sure because my cycles are less-than reliable, so I can't really plan ahead. I don't mind the director knowing, but I get the feeling that that might be a bit TMI for someone who didn't inquire about my reproductive state in the first place. So I just told him that there was a conflict in the schedule, which is basically true, if really vague. If nothing has happened by the start of the next school year though, I think I may have to tell him, or he might start thinking I don't want to go on tour... ;)
Shortly after I told my mother (and so the rest of my family indirectly), I figured I might as well out myself on Facebook. I've gotten nothing but overwhelming support from all my friends, and I do not regret being out for one second. It's just soooooo tedious making up vague excuses about why we do not have children yet, and I figure if I can spread awareness just a little bit about something few women talk about, then all the better. I know that not all infertiles feel the way I do about being out, some of that lending to the fact that they've had some negative experiences as a result. And it's unfortunate that some people aren't very open-minded about it, or think that infertility can be solved just simply by relaxing (I will get into that later, cause it makes me mad). But for me at least, it's totally been worth it in being out although there are some ways in which I'm still closeted.
I, as a community member, participate in the local college's band. I really love it, and the director is a nice guy and he brings a lot of energy to the group. Anyway, every year at the beginning of November, the band takes a tour and plays at various high schools in whichever area the tour goes. I didn't go last year, because I had no idea when I would O and wanted to be near my husband should that be the time. (I don't remember the timing of that particular cycle, but needless to say, it didn't result in a pregnancy).
Well, I had to decline going again for the same reason this year. And of course, he knows that I don't work outside the home and that I have no such restrictions as every other community member has. So he asks what plans I have going. There are a few students in the room when this conversation is going on, so I didn't blurt out that I maybe perhaps might need to be near my husband around that time, but I'm not totally sure because my cycles are less-than reliable, so I can't really plan ahead. I don't mind the director knowing, but I get the feeling that that might be a bit TMI for someone who didn't inquire about my reproductive state in the first place. So I just told him that there was a conflict in the schedule, which is basically true, if really vague. If nothing has happened by the start of the next school year though, I think I may have to tell him, or he might start thinking I don't want to go on tour... ;)
September 27, 2011
Swimming
In high school, I was a swimmer on the high school swim team. I wasn't that good, mind you, but a swimmer nonetheless. After being skeptical during the first week my freshman year (it hurt a lot), I became a believer once I could move pain-free again. Swimming might be an individual sport, but when you're part of a team or a sport club, you practice with everyone, so it feels like a team sport. It also helped that in Montana, there is only one season for high school swimming (winter), so that means that the boys and girls practice and compete together. And in helped, I mean that I got to look at some hot guys in tiny little speedos. :)
Anyway, I'm getting away from my point. It's that I miss swimming a lot. Since I've graduated college, I've gotten a Y membership and swam for a while before I cancelled for whatever reason. But with the motivation of a friend, who was also a swimmer in high school, I signed up at the Y again, and for the past week and a half, I have been swimming pretty much every day.
It's been going good so far. Just building up endurance since I was so out of shape going in. Right now I'm only doing about 600-700 meters per day, but once I start going only 3 times a week, I'll up that to about 1,200 meters per day. And I have to find some fun sets to do so it doesn't get boring. As well as perhaps buying some fins to work on my kicking and some hand paddles to work on my arm strokes. That's what the internet is for!
Anyway, I'm getting away from my point. It's that I miss swimming a lot. Since I've graduated college, I've gotten a Y membership and swam for a while before I cancelled for whatever reason. But with the motivation of a friend, who was also a swimmer in high school, I signed up at the Y again, and for the past week and a half, I have been swimming pretty much every day.
It's been going good so far. Just building up endurance since I was so out of shape going in. Right now I'm only doing about 600-700 meters per day, but once I start going only 3 times a week, I'll up that to about 1,200 meters per day. And I have to find some fun sets to do so it doesn't get boring. As well as perhaps buying some fins to work on my kicking and some hand paddles to work on my arm strokes. That's what the internet is for!
September 24, 2011
No, you can't do that!
I want a drink of alcohol. But I'm in my 2WW, so I'm skittish about it. I know that millions of babies have been conceived after a night of drunkeness, but in my mind, I still see that list of things to avoid given to me by my RE. And alcohol is on it. So I get some OJ and pretend there's some vodka hiding within. It almost works.
For the record, I rarely drink alcohol, regardless of a list telling me no. But it's guaranteed that when I enter the 2WW, like now, I will want something I really shouldn't have.
Screw the list, why can't I have alcohol, you ask? Because on that list of things we should avoid to up the chances of conceiving, it's mentioned that alcohol can affect implantation since it's thought that alcohol decreases progesterone (that's bad). Likewise, caffeine is on that list, since there are thoughts in the academic world that the consumption of caffeine affects the cilia in the fallopian tubes... those are the tiny hair-like things in the tubes that gently move the egg down into the uterus. A low-GI diet is also encouraged, as well as stopping smoking, and establishing a constant exercise routine. Fun times *roll eyes*.
Anyway, I didn't want to get too into studies and stuff. I just wanted to vent my frustration over the fact that while I'm doing everything I can to promote conception and failing to date, some crack whore alcoholic is getting knocked up for the 5th time with some random guy who will disappear after he gets some.
Yeah, I know I don't HAVE to do what is suggested on the list, but I do anyway because I really want a baby and will do quite a lot to get one... even if it does make me a little bitter over things I shouldn't do. It'll be worth it in the end. And then I can go get blasted (2 drinks for me because I'm a lightweight).
Sorry, this is kind of all over the place. It happens sometimes.
For the record, I rarely drink alcohol, regardless of a list telling me no. But it's guaranteed that when I enter the 2WW, like now, I will want something I really shouldn't have.
Screw the list, why can't I have alcohol, you ask? Because on that list of things we should avoid to up the chances of conceiving, it's mentioned that alcohol can affect implantation since it's thought that alcohol decreases progesterone (that's bad). Likewise, caffeine is on that list, since there are thoughts in the academic world that the consumption of caffeine affects the cilia in the fallopian tubes... those are the tiny hair-like things in the tubes that gently move the egg down into the uterus. A low-GI diet is also encouraged, as well as stopping smoking, and establishing a constant exercise routine. Fun times *roll eyes*.
Anyway, I didn't want to get too into studies and stuff. I just wanted to vent my frustration over the fact that while I'm doing everything I can to promote conception and failing to date, some crack whore alcoholic is getting knocked up for the 5th time with some random guy who will disappear after he gets some.
Yeah, I know I don't HAVE to do what is suggested on the list, but I do anyway because I really want a baby and will do quite a lot to get one... even if it does make me a little bitter over things I shouldn't do. It'll be worth it in the end. And then I can go get blasted (2 drinks for me because I'm a lightweight).
Sorry, this is kind of all over the place. It happens sometimes.
September 17, 2011
Support
When we first started TTCing, never in a million years did I think it would take more than a year to get pregnant. I think it's that way for most women going through infertility. And the longer you wait, and the more you find out what's going wrong, the more confused and lost you get. And the worst part about that is, sometimes you just need to talk to somebody who knows what you're going through.
So I find myself fortunate that not only do my closest friends in real life know and support me in this, but also that I am part of an awesome group of ladies in an online support group at FertilityFriend.com (FF). Like pretty much all the other ladies on this site, I joined with the expectation that I would soon be frequenting the pregnancy side of the board instead of languishing in the TTC side. Six months came and went. I soon found myself looking for a buddy group, and found one for those who have long cycles. I seemingly fit right in and forged relationships with these ladies, all who suffered from not having a "normal" 28 day cycle. The support, advice, celebrations and grief were shared by all and it was wonderful to be a part of this group.
But after 2 years, my subscription for the VIP section of FF ran out, and I felt it was time for a break. Because as awesome as it is to be part of a group, it can also make one a little obsessed over their journey. And at that point, I was obsessed with every little thing going on with my cycle. It was not good for me.
After 3 months of me not being on FF, I began to crave the support I got from FF and began to look at free support sites. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough, but it just wasn't the same as it was on FF. The boards were either not busy at all, or they had way too many people and I got lost in the shuffle. So I sucked it up and paid the subscription fee for VIP access to FF 6 months after I left.
It's been one of my best decisions in this entire journey, and it's totally worth the subscription fee. Although the group I had left was on its last breath of life, a private group with the bulk of my friends had been created and I was invited to join. There were a few new faces, but for the most part, it was like I was never gone. They are a godsend to me, and have perhaps kept me saner than I otherwise would be without them. And I hope I am repaying in kind for them. *kiss*
So I find myself fortunate that not only do my closest friends in real life know and support me in this, but also that I am part of an awesome group of ladies in an online support group at FertilityFriend.com (FF). Like pretty much all the other ladies on this site, I joined with the expectation that I would soon be frequenting the pregnancy side of the board instead of languishing in the TTC side. Six months came and went. I soon found myself looking for a buddy group, and found one for those who have long cycles. I seemingly fit right in and forged relationships with these ladies, all who suffered from not having a "normal" 28 day cycle. The support, advice, celebrations and grief were shared by all and it was wonderful to be a part of this group.
But after 2 years, my subscription for the VIP section of FF ran out, and I felt it was time for a break. Because as awesome as it is to be part of a group, it can also make one a little obsessed over their journey. And at that point, I was obsessed with every little thing going on with my cycle. It was not good for me.
After 3 months of me not being on FF, I began to crave the support I got from FF and began to look at free support sites. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough, but it just wasn't the same as it was on FF. The boards were either not busy at all, or they had way too many people and I got lost in the shuffle. So I sucked it up and paid the subscription fee for VIP access to FF 6 months after I left.
It's been one of my best decisions in this entire journey, and it's totally worth the subscription fee. Although the group I had left was on its last breath of life, a private group with the bulk of my friends had been created and I was invited to join. There were a few new faces, but for the most part, it was like I was never gone. They are a godsend to me, and have perhaps kept me saner than I otherwise would be without them. And I hope I am repaying in kind for them. *kiss*
September 16, 2011
Numb
Over the past few months, I've come to realize something that I'm a little bothered by. I've realized that I'm becoming less and less upset by the arrival of my period. There are still little moments of disappointment of course, but on the whole, I just shrug and think, "why would I expect this cycle to be any different?" instead of the immobilizing pain I used to experience each cycle. And I'm bothered by this because it makes me question if I really do want a baby... because if I truly did want a baby, I would be sooooo upset every time I start bleeding instead of just not caring much.
I have a few theories on why I'm not as upset at the onset of bleeding as I used to be.
1.) I have a bad habit of expecting my period to show up, even if I did ovulate in a timely manner and we had great BD coverage. So by assuming I'm not pregnant, it would be no surprise to see AF show up.
2.) I've become numb over the past 3 years of TTC. Which maybe isn't a bad thing, because if I rode high on the wave of hope, only to have the crushing blow of AF devastate me every single cycle, I would surely drive myself and my husband mad.
3.) My hopes and expectations are still high 6 months after I started Metformin, and am convinced that it will happen soon.
4.) I'm slowly accepting the fact that we may never have biological children.
So which is it? Something tells me there is some truth in all 4. And I guess that's alright, since there isn't any clear-cut answer to anything involving infertility. So why would it be any different with me?
I have a few theories on why I'm not as upset at the onset of bleeding as I used to be.
1.) I have a bad habit of expecting my period to show up, even if I did ovulate in a timely manner and we had great BD coverage. So by assuming I'm not pregnant, it would be no surprise to see AF show up.
2.) I've become numb over the past 3 years of TTC. Which maybe isn't a bad thing, because if I rode high on the wave of hope, only to have the crushing blow of AF devastate me every single cycle, I would surely drive myself and my husband mad.
3.) My hopes and expectations are still high 6 months after I started Metformin, and am convinced that it will happen soon.
4.) I'm slowly accepting the fact that we may never have biological children.
So which is it? Something tells me there is some truth in all 4. And I guess that's alright, since there isn't any clear-cut answer to anything involving infertility. So why would it be any different with me?
September 3, 2011
I know, I know...
What?
It's been over a year since I last blogged?
Sorry. I want to say I've been so super busy that I haven't had time to post, but the reality is, I just didn't feel like writing.
But the good news is, I'm starting to feel ideas for posts coming to me, so my lonely blog will hopefully host more than the 2 it previously had quite soon.
As it's a little after 2am though, this will have to do for now.
It's been over a year since I last blogged?
Sorry. I want to say I've been so super busy that I haven't had time to post, but the reality is, I just didn't feel like writing.
But the good news is, I'm starting to feel ideas for posts coming to me, so my lonely blog will hopefully host more than the 2 it previously had quite soon.
As it's a little after 2am though, this will have to do for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)