On being "out"

About a year and a half ago, while I was gearing up to go do a wonderful HSG test (and by wonderful, I mean excruciatingly painful) the next week, my mother happened to call. When I mentioned that I had to take a day off of work, she of course asked why, being a mother and all. At that point, no one but my very closest friends knew that we were TTC and having difficulties. So there lay a dilemma... do I tell her? Do I let her think that we're still taking our time in giving her more grandbabies? What would be the consequences of telling her? Would she understand? And finally, would I really care when she inevitably let slip to other family members or her co-workers that we were having trouble in the baby department? All these thoughts flashed through my head in a loaded 2 second pause after her query as to why I needed a day off. So on a whim, I just decided to tell her, because it would at least get her off my back about the baby department. She was, and still is, super supportive and understanding... although she occasionally still asks when we're going to give her another grandbaby. Oh well, I tried.

Shortly after I told my mother (and so the rest of my family indirectly), I figured I might as well out myself on Facebook. I've gotten nothing but overwhelming support from all my friends, and I do not regret being out for one second. It's just soooooo tedious making up vague excuses about why we do not have children yet, and I figure if I can spread awareness just a little bit about something few women talk about, then all the better. I know that not all infertiles feel the way I do about being out, some of that lending to the fact that they've had some negative experiences as a result. And it's unfortunate that some people aren't very open-minded about it, or think that infertility can be solved just simply by relaxing (I will get into that later, cause it makes me mad). But for me at least, it's totally been worth it in being out although there are some ways in which I'm still closeted.

I, as a community member, participate in the local college's band. I really love it, and the director is a nice guy and he brings a lot of energy to the group. Anyway, every year at the beginning of November, the band takes a tour and plays at various high schools in whichever area the tour goes. I didn't go last year, because I had no idea when I would O and wanted to be near my husband should that be the time. (I don't remember the timing of that particular cycle, but needless to say, it didn't result in a pregnancy).

Well, I had to decline going again for the same reason this year. And of course, he knows that I don't work outside the home and that I have no such restrictions as every other community member has. So he asks what plans I have going. There are a few students in the room when this conversation is going on, so I didn't blurt out that I maybe perhaps might need to be near my husband around that time, but I'm not totally sure because my cycles are less-than reliable, so I can't really plan ahead. I don't mind the director knowing, but I get the feeling that that might be a bit TMI for someone who didn't inquire about my reproductive state in the first place. So I just told him that there was a conflict in the schedule, which is basically true, if really vague. If nothing has happened by the start of the next school year though, I think I may have to tell him, or he might start thinking I don't want to go on tour... ;)

Swimming

In high school, I was a swimmer on the high school swim team. I wasn't that good, mind you, but a swimmer nonetheless. After being skeptical during the first week my freshman year (it hurt a lot), I became a believer once I could move pain-free again. Swimming might be an individual sport, but when you're part of a team or a sport club, you practice with everyone, so it feels like a team sport. It also helped that in Montana, there is only one season for high school swimming (winter), so that means that the boys and girls practice and compete together. And in helped, I mean that I got to look at some hot guys in tiny little speedos. :)

Anyway, I'm getting away from my point. It's that I miss swimming a lot. Since I've graduated college, I've gotten a Y membership and swam for a while before I cancelled for whatever reason. But with the motivation of a friend, who was also a swimmer in high school, I signed up at the Y again, and for the past week and a half, I have been swimming pretty much every day.

It's been going good so far. Just building up endurance since I was so out of shape going in. Right now I'm only doing about 600-700 meters per day, but once I start going only 3 times a week, I'll up that to about 1,200 meters per day. And I have to find some fun sets to do so it doesn't get boring. As well as perhaps buying some fins to work on my kicking and some hand paddles to work on my arm strokes. That's what the internet is for!

No, you can't do that!

I want a drink of alcohol. But I'm in my 2WW, so I'm skittish about it. I know that millions of babies have been conceived after a night of drunkeness, but in my mind, I still see that list of things to avoid given to me by my RE. And alcohol is on it. So I get some OJ and pretend there's some vodka hiding within. It almost works.

For the record, I rarely drink alcohol, regardless of a list telling me no. But it's guaranteed that when I enter the 2WW, like now, I will want something I really shouldn't have.

Screw the list, why can't I have alcohol, you ask? Because on that list of things we should avoid to up the chances of conceiving, it's mentioned that alcohol can affect implantation since it's thought that alcohol decreases progesterone (that's bad). Likewise, caffeine is on that list, since there are thoughts in the academic world that the consumption of caffeine affects the cilia in the fallopian tubes... those are the tiny hair-like things in the tubes that gently move the egg down into the uterus. A low-GI diet is also encouraged, as well as stopping smoking, and establishing a constant exercise routine. Fun times *roll eyes*.

Anyway, I didn't want to get too into studies and stuff. I just wanted to vent my frustration over the fact that while I'm doing everything I can to promote conception and failing to date, some crack whore alcoholic is getting knocked up for the 5th time with some random guy who will disappear after he gets some.

Yeah, I know I don't HAVE to do what is suggested on the list, but I do anyway because I really want a baby and will do quite a lot to get one... even if it does make me a little bitter over things I shouldn't do. It'll be worth it in the end. And then I can go get blasted (2 drinks for me because I'm a lightweight).

Sorry, this is kind of all over the place. It happens sometimes.

Support

When we first started TTCing, never in a million years did I think it would take more than a year to get pregnant. I think it's that way for most women going through infertility. And the longer you wait, and the more you find out what's going wrong, the more confused and lost you get. And the worst part about that is, sometimes you just need to talk to somebody who knows what you're going through.

So I find myself fortunate that not only do my closest friends in real life know and support me in this, but also that I am part of an awesome group of ladies in an online support group at FertilityFriend.com (FF). Like pretty much all the other ladies on this site, I joined with the expectation that I would soon be frequenting the pregnancy side of the board instead of languishing in the TTC side. Six months came and went. I soon found myself looking for a buddy group, and found one for those who have long cycles. I seemingly fit right in and forged relationships with these ladies, all who suffered from not having a "normal" 28 day cycle. The support, advice, celebrations and grief were shared by all and it was wonderful to be a part of this group.

But after 2 years, my subscription for the VIP section of FF ran out, and I felt it was time for a break. Because as awesome as it is to be part of a group, it can also make one a little obsessed over their journey. And at that point, I was obsessed with every little thing going on with my cycle. It was not good for me.

After 3 months of me not being on FF, I began to crave the support I got from FF and began to look at free support sites. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough, but it just wasn't the same as it was on FF. The boards were either not busy at all, or they had way too many people and I got lost in the shuffle. So I sucked it up and paid the subscription fee for VIP access to FF 6 months after I left.

It's been one of my best decisions in this entire journey, and it's totally worth the subscription fee. Although the group I had left was on its last breath of life, a private group with the bulk of my friends had been created and I was invited to join. There were a few new faces, but for the most part, it was like I was never gone. They are a godsend to me, and have perhaps kept me saner than I otherwise would be without them. And I hope I am repaying in kind for them. *kiss*

Numb

Over the past few months, I've come to realize something that I'm a little bothered by. I've realized that I'm becoming less and less upset by the arrival of my period. There are still little moments of disappointment of course, but on the whole, I just shrug and think, "why would I expect this cycle to be any different?" instead of the immobilizing pain I used to experience each cycle. And I'm bothered by this because it makes me question if I really do want a baby... because if I truly did want a baby, I would be sooooo upset every time I start bleeding instead of just not caring much.

I have a few theories on why I'm not as upset at the onset of bleeding as I used to be.

1.) I have a bad habit of expecting my period to show up, even if I did ovulate in a timely manner and we had great BD coverage. So by assuming I'm not pregnant, it would be no surprise to see AF show up.

2.) I've become numb over the past 3 years of TTC. Which maybe isn't a bad thing, because if I rode high on the wave of hope, only to have the crushing blow of AF devastate me every single cycle, I would surely drive myself and my husband mad.

3.) My hopes and expectations are still high 6 months after I started Metformin, and am convinced that it will happen soon.

4.) I'm slowly accepting the fact that we may never have biological children.

So which is it? Something tells me there is some truth in all 4. And I guess that's alright, since there isn't any clear-cut answer to anything involving infertility. So why would it be any different with me?

I know, I know...

What?

It's been over a year since I last blogged?

Sorry. I want to say I've been so super busy that I haven't had time to post, but the reality is, I just didn't feel like writing.

But the good news is, I'm starting to feel ideas for posts coming to me, so my lonely blog will hopefully host more than the 2 it previously had quite soon.

As it's a little after 2am though, this will have to do for now.