Numb

Over the past few months, I've come to realize something that I'm a little bothered by. I've realized that I'm becoming less and less upset by the arrival of my period. There are still little moments of disappointment of course, but on the whole, I just shrug and think, "why would I expect this cycle to be any different?" instead of the immobilizing pain I used to experience each cycle. And I'm bothered by this because it makes me question if I really do want a baby... because if I truly did want a baby, I would be sooooo upset every time I start bleeding instead of just not caring much.

I have a few theories on why I'm not as upset at the onset of bleeding as I used to be.

1.) I have a bad habit of expecting my period to show up, even if I did ovulate in a timely manner and we had great BD coverage. So by assuming I'm not pregnant, it would be no surprise to see AF show up.

2.) I've become numb over the past 3 years of TTC. Which maybe isn't a bad thing, because if I rode high on the wave of hope, only to have the crushing blow of AF devastate me every single cycle, I would surely drive myself and my husband mad.

3.) My hopes and expectations are still high 6 months after I started Metformin, and am convinced that it will happen soon.

4.) I'm slowly accepting the fact that we may never have biological children.

So which is it? Something tells me there is some truth in all 4. And I guess that's alright, since there isn't any clear-cut answer to anything involving infertility. So why would it be any different with me?